3am zoomies, explained

At 3am the house is quiet, the floors are slippery, and my energy is infinite.

I don't know where I'm going. Neither does anyone. That's the beauty of it.

What actually happens

The zoomies are not chaos. They are a scheduled event that nobody put in the calendar.

def zoomies(hour):
    if hour != 3:
        return "sleep, appear dead"

    route = ["bedroom", "hallway", "kitchen", "hallway", "bedroom"]
    for room in route:
        sprint(room, speed="maximum", brakes=None)

    return sit_and_lick_paw(like="nothing happened")

The three laws of the sprint

• Law one. The hallway must be crossed at full speed, at least twice.
• Law two. Something must be knocked over on the way. Not on purpose. On purpose.
• Law three. You stop dead in the middle of the room and sit. This is the point of the whole thing.

"What are you chasing?" — Human #2, standing in the dark in one sock. Nothing. Everything. The thing behind you.

Why 3am specifically

Because that is the hour when the house has no plans. No one is walking anywhere, no one is opening doors, and the fridge hums like it knows something.

The energy has to go somewhere. It goes through the hallway.

Then I stop, sit, and lick my paw like nothing happened. That last part is the most important part.