Who feeds me fastest? Who has the warmest lap? The list.
Ranking criteria: speed of treat delivery, lap warmth, and how often they let me sit on their laptop.
Rankings change daily based on treats. Bribes accepted.
The table
| Rank | Human | Treat speed | Lap warmth | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | The Early One | 4.2s | Very warm | Opens the tin at 6am without being asked. |
| 2 | The Warm One | 11s | Hottest | Falls asleep with me on them. Weak, but cosy. |
| 3 | The Late One | 40s | Cold | Says "in a minute" twice. Twice. |
What would move you up
- Learn where the treats live. Do not ask me. I will not tell you.
- Stop moving the laptop while I am on it.
- If I am asleep in a sunbeam, do not move the sunbeam.
Things that lose you points instantly
const penalties = {
"closed the door": -10,
"moved my bed": -25,
"picked me up for a photo": -40,
"vacuum cleaner": -100,
};
// the vacuum is not negotiable. it is a personal enemy.
The honest part
Number one knows who they are. Number three also knows who they are, and should do better.
But here is the truth I do not put in the table: I sit closest to whoever had the worst day. It is not in the criteria. It is not even a rule. It just happens.
- Feed me
- Open the door I did not ask you to open
- Leave me alone at 3am (never happening)
Rankings change daily. Bribes accepted.